New Moon Rising
February 17th, 2007
It seems I've gone a bit post-crazy today. I guess my itch to make art is coming out in this way, so bear with me, I'm super tired, but want to get this out before I hit the hay (what'd the hay ever do to me? see, i'm just over-tired-silly, now.)
I'm excited with small and large synchronicities. I keep mentioning the number 17, well it turns out this particular 17th is also the day of the new moon, as I found out from the very cool post at LunarMusings which was pointed out by the Literary Bohemian. This particular new moon is in Aquarius, which Elena writes has to do with, "...creative endeavors in the world, and networking connections that advance those endeavors. There is also a bit of an audacious daring that comes with this Moon. A radical openness to any and all possibilities." How wonderful and well timed for the start of Finding Water and everything else that is shifting in my life. How exciting.
Today in Simple Abundance, Sarah Ban Breathnach writes about going on safari (which in Swahili means journey), which she relates leaving the safety of civilation (what's familiar) to venture into the wilderness of your authentic self. This also seemed so very appropriate for this moment, that it made me laugh.
Along with the laughter, I find I'm also butting up against some old "stuff." I suppose this is to be expected as I try to dig deeper towards my authentic self, but it doesn't mean it's pleasant. I wrote tonight to Jessie that I wondered if I was too pushy or too harsh in my post on the Finding Water blog, I hoped that I had been clear that we were all on different paths, coming from different places and we would all be doing this work in our own perfectly imperfect way. And then I took a breath and realized that my post was my own perfectly imperfect expression and I need to worry less (much less) about what others might be thinking. It's not about not caring, but simply in being ok with having an opinion, being ok with the fact that others might have an opinion that's different than mine. I really struggle with this, I'm a total people pleaser, a habit I learned in a difficult household growing up. It has served me well, this people pleasing and it's hard to give it up. I think due to lack of practice, I feel so unsteady when trying to express my opinions in a setting beyond one-on-one (and even then it's very difficult), I feel I'll be simply crushed by the weight of someone's anger. Clearly, this won't happen, but in my mind, it does feel that way, that I could be simply crushed. I had my will broken too many times and my fear of being wrong runs so deep, but I'm an adult, an adult with opinions and beliefs of my own. The fiansor knows this (and he encourages me, bless his heart) and I want to be less fearful of expressing who I am without apology.
So, it does feel a bit like a safari, complete with lions and tigers (and bears, oh my!) But I already feel a bit more tuned in, my radio is set to the synchronicity station, the reception is clear, the night sky is twinkling away, and I'm setting off in the dark of the new moon ready for an adventure.
10 Responses
It was also the first day of the Chinese New Year – which according to one site I looked at is the female fire pig!
And yes you do worry too much – I didn’t notice any pushiness or harshness at all.
Posted by: Caroline | Feb 18, 2007 at 5:16 am |
I really liked your post over at the Finding Water blog – felt very inspired by your words and also excited to be starting this journey with a group that isn’t the same people I read everyday. In my heart I’m a nomad but in reality, I like comfort and continuity. This pushes me outside my comfort zone and that’s a good thing. And I have to say that I LOVE that the first day coincided with the first day of the Chinese New Year, very cool.
Posted by: kristen | Feb 18, 2007 at 6:38 am |
ah, people pleasing – now there’s a thing I know a bit about…when I stopped – I went the other way. And stayed there. =] Now I”m a crone and the only people I have to please is me – it says so in all the rule books. Now if I can get my inner child (who is now about 23 I think) to catch up with my crone age, perhaps it’ll work without so much head chatter!
You’re doing great Leah. You are singally (singlelly?) my biggest inspiration on the web. You tuned me in to all that’s wonderful through AEM. I am forever in your debt!
Posted by: tammy vitale | Feb 18, 2007 at 12:16 pm |
I love everything you write! you always come through very eloquently and genuine. I think we all have PP in us. It’s sometimes hard to navigate through all that, but we are all going to do this together and I’m thrilled to go on this journey individually as well as collectively! xoxo Lia
Posted by: lia | Feb 18, 2007 at 1:09 pm |
I can relate to so much of what you wrote here. The need for people to like not only myself, but also what I think and say, the fear of other’s anger and disapproval, the worry of what people think about ideas I may have that possibly aren’t shared by others… What you’ve written here is very inspiring to me. Thank you.
I wrote on my blog something that I know, certain readers I have may judge me for. And I thought, should I write this? Will they think I am crazy? Or perhaps not “pure”, somehow religous tainted for talking about fairies? Then, I thought again about your post. And I decided, you know what — I don’t care. I’m going to write what I feel now. Period.
I wish I could say I don’t care… I do care, and I’m worried! But I did write what I intended to write, and that is perhaps the most important thing.
Again, thank you.
Posted by: Rachel | Feb 18, 2007 at 5:10 pm |
You did it! You “just jumped!” Good for you! I’m so happy that you did! *hugs*
Posted by: Literary bohemian | Feb 19, 2007 at 2:56 am |
Oh Leah, you are such a star! You have this way of speaking about things that I so need to hear, bless you!
People pleasing is a very hard habit to break, I think, and it’s good to know there are many of us out there fighting similar battles… and your FW post was wonderful! No worries! 
Thank you, Leah, and good luck on your safari! 
Hugs, Suze xXx
Posted by: Suzie Q | Feb 19, 2007 at 3:48 pm |
Hey there,
I am still thinking of you, and reading, though I am quiet.
Lots of times, a lack of self-care is just a symptom of depression and can’t always be reversed right away. It can sometimes take lots of time and effort to get back to a place where you can consistently show kindness to yourself.
Glad you found some pleasant thoughts and ways to center yourself. Sounds like you are happier.
I am prone to worrying about other people’s opinions too. But I like something I heard in school when I met Todd Oldham at a presentation he gave. He said, “Opinions can’t hurt you. They just float there.”
I also have “Simple Abundance” and think it’s beautiful.. (have read it off an on for a few years now).
Take Care,
Ames
p.s. 17 is my husband’s favourite no.!
Posted by: Amy | Feb 19, 2007 at 10:02 pm |
I have loved every word I have read of yours. I love your honesty and your curiosity and your compassion. When being real, I suppose we run the risk of offending someone, but you have one of the biggest most beautiful hearts I have ever met. I love hearing what you have to say. Please, keep doing it!
Posted by: Jessie | Feb 20, 2007 at 12:13 am |
Thankyou for what you are doing. I am quietly doing artwork,transitioning into a new phase of life and learning to keep the focus on me and my journey not everyone elses.I work with a ministry called Embracing Life for people with life defining conditions cancer HIV.depression.Thankyou for helping me to keep embracing MY life in very tangible ways!
Posted by: sally thompson | Aug 24, 2009 at 1:43 pm |