Creative Every Day

Feelin It

March 13th, 2007

Despite my silence, things have been going better this week. And you know what's helped enormously? Making that commitment to myself to make art every day for at least 30 minutes with no pressure to finish something or to make something "good." But just to get moving. And I've been doing just that. It's funny, because I'm at work 24/7 this week and half of last, so I haven't had access to my camera to record what I've been doing. I picked up my camera at home last night when I had a bit of spare time. I took a couple pictures last night and then my batteries ran out before I could upload them. Doh! But it's ok. The art I've been doing, they are no masterpieces that will blow your mind. But you have no idea how good it has made me feel to follow through with it. Perhaps I feel especially proud because I haven't been posting what I've been doing to keep myself accountable as I do with art-every-day-month in Novembers. I've only been accountable to  myself.

I haven't always felt I'm all that reliable when it comes to commitments to myself. If there are others involved, if someone is depending on me, I'm always much better. When I trained for and ran that marathon, what kept me going was all the people I'd collected money from and the little girl I was running in honor of. I couldn't stop or give up. But I don't always want to have to depend on guilt/fear/expectation (imagined or otherwise) to keep me going...yes, it's great to know what works for me, sometimes I really need that. But what would it mean to do it with only me keeping score? I feel teary thinking about it. Perhaps it's no coincidence that my camera ran out of batteries.

So, what have I been doing? Well, I started a piece one day and worked on it over the next two evenings for at least a half hour. Then I started something else last night and finished it tonight. And last night, I went to the local bookstore for my artist's date. I sat in a chair with a bunch of wedding books to look at the gorgeous arrangements of candles and flowers. The flowers especially inspired me. I went there to get a little moleskin notebook for another FW exercise and it set off a spontaneous artist's date that was loads of fun. I've also been drawing and painting and playing in this new mini sketchbook.

Still feeling teary and emotional, but I'm less bothered by it today. Last night, I got little shivers of joy when the fiansor told me he'd been thinking about it and he wants to write the score for a string quartet to play when I walk down the aisle. (He plays the violin among most every other instrument and enjoys writing music.) I was so touched. He said, "that way, it will be our song." Sometimes, I feel like he's not into all the wedding details. We had our tasting recently, so we had a chance to talk about a lot of things, like music and invitations and decorations. He had opinions (he always does), but I thought that was as far as it went. Knowing that he has been thinking about it and wants to put such a lovely personal touch on our ceremony makes my heart sing.  Man, I love him.

I feel so sentimental right now. My work is ending, a week from tomorrow. Today, I took the girl I've nannied for for the last 6 years to go for her road test. I sat in the back seat while she drove and passed it. She drove us home and I had this moment of sadness. At the same moment she said, "You've driven me for the last time! That's so sad!" As much as I'm ready to move on, I'm not torn about it, it's still sad and I'm starting to feel that bubble up. I'll miss the girl, my boss, and the adorable dogs that I've spent every day with. My boss is going to be the officiant in my wedding, which is special and I'm sure we'll stay in touch, but you know. Changes, changes. Life is changes.

Ok, I think I've been all over the place in this post, so I'll end here. Life is good.