Creative Every Day

The Woosh of Time

March 26th, 2007

Acrobats, acrylic and colored pencil on acrylic paper, about 8"x10"

So, my secret was a surprise party I have been planning for the last month for the fiansor's 30th birthday (which was yesterday.) I had family and friends from NYC and here in Massachusetts visiting for 10 pin bowling and then dinner and ice cream cake around the corner. I have been SO anxious about it! All the little details that go into planning an affair like this and then not being able to share it with the person I share everything with was rediculously hard. The day of, I was nearly bursting. I told him we had plans for his birthday and that was all. I could tell he was anxious too with the anticipation of what I had planned. But I can say without a doubt that he was completely and totally surprised. Actually, I think he was in a state of shock for the first hour! Heh. But he eased into it, surrounded by family and friends all there to celebrate his birthday and have some fun. The next day some friends were still with us and we had brunch out and later went into the city. It was a busy, busy weekend. So very full. When everyone had left and we finally were home alone last night, we totally collapsed. My introverted self was on overload and I needed quiet and sleep. The fiansor said, it was definitely a birthday he'd never forget. And while I would never do something like this again (at least not in the near future), it was all worth it. I know the fiansor felt very loved (and he is.)

So, the party is over, but I'm still a bit anxious. I sat up at night thinking of all that needed to be done...a commission, wedding stuff, art stuff, website stuff and I felt so overwhelmed, plus there's this empty chasm of time in front of me that simultaneously holds so much promise and potential along with a lot of fear and lots of unknowns. Today is my first day at work for myself. I got up and did some straightening up around the house which looked like a tornado had passed through it, got dressed, wrote morning pages, pet kitties and then made a list. Actually, the list sort of came out in the morning pages and then I transferred it onto a separate piece of paper. I decided I needed to get out of the house to do some of the computer-ish work and I'm glad I did. I found this cafe last week that has free wireless and just a lovely feel to it. I got a latte and a sandwich and sat to do some work. Around 3 it got kind of busy and I found myself getting distracted, so I left for the library where it is much quieter.

I know it will take me a little while to get into a rhythm with my work. I need to keep my goals clear, so that I'm moving forward while also being careful not to beat myself up for what I don't accomplish. I want to celebrate what I do, no matter how small, otherwise I'll always feel unsettled. Easier said than done, especially for someone who has been told again and again that she's not enough. But it's a message I need to learn. I wrote about in my morning pages, read about it on Jamie's blog and mentioned it in a comment to Bee. So, hopefully all this repetition will help me learn. I need to focus on the joy and less on the fear. And breathe. I must remember to breathe.

I feel a bit like I've lept off the edge of a cliff. It's exhilirating and yet my heart won't stop racing. I need to trust that my outreaching hands will be met, so that I can soar like a trapeze artist. In the meantime, I need to close my eyes and feel the rush of air on my face, I need to eat the strawberry even though the tigers are above and below me. I trust that it will all come together beautifully, that I am doing exactly what I need to be doing, and everything is o.k.

p.s. A few people have asked if I sell my artwork and I do! I have sold pieces to bloggers who have enquired about them in the past. I have a website, but it's sadly outdated and I'm hard at work on a new fully updated site with a store attached where I will sell prints and originals. I hope to have it completed by the end of April and as it goes up, I'll keep you updated. In the meantime, if you are interested in a particular piece, feel free to email me about it.