Seven Pounds, a Guest Post by Eileen Valazza
May 18th, 2011
Seven Pounds
Oh little one, you made everything so big.
The love.
I was pretty sure the love would be big, and it's true. I could stare at you for hours, with that soft giddy new-parent look on my face. The one that every parent in the world ever has had.
I saw a couple pushing a stroller down our street the other day and it occurred to me, holy crap, they love that baby as much as I love you.
And it seemed impossible, that there could be this amount of love in the world. We should capture it, use it to power everything and solve the global energy crisis.
The Fear.
Maybe I wasn't thinking about the fear ahead of time, or I underestimated it. Because the fear really blindsided me. I remember the moment it hit me, a few weeks after you were born.
Before that, I worried that I might do something wrong, that I might mess up and not do the right things for you. But in that moment I realized that we won't always be here, together, all day every day.
You are going to go and be a part of this world, and other people will put their marks on you. Someone might hurt you. Someone will likely break your fluttery little heart.
I think, how can I exist knowing this? That there is this living, breathing fragile piece of me so open to the entire world? How have other parents done this before me?
It seems impossible to go on living and be this vulnerable.
Me.
But you also made me so much bigger than I was before.
I used to be able to get lost in my own dark corners for days. Now I don't the option to indulge in that. It's scary to hit a wall, to be at the very end of yourself, and realize that not going on is not an option.
When leaving is not an option there is only surrender. And so again and again, more space opens up.
I don't know how you brought so much with you, inside only seven pounds.
........
Eileen Valazza is mama to 5-month-old Zane, and serves up moonshine for your creative business at the Hopscotch Distillery.
8 Responses
I love your thought of capturing this love and powering the world with it. Love is what underlies it all, if only we could all remember and create our lives from there instead of from fear. Thanks for posting.
Posted by: Andree Santini | May 18, 2011 at 8:06 am |
If love/fear driven Mamas ruled the world…well, look out world! Nice post. =)
Posted by: Maron | May 18, 2011 at 10:06 am |
I loved your post and the wondrous sneak peek into motherhood – all it’s emotions and love. I cannot wait. Thank you!
Posted by: MakieDoll | May 18, 2011 at 10:12 am |
This post is amazing. You captured everything I felt 38 years ago. Those first few months are transformative – at times lonely and isolating but enlightening and thrilling. Our greatest creation now revealed will offer a new source of inspiration.
Posted by: Gayle | May 18, 2011 at 11:42 am |
Parenthood brings home the vulnerability and fragility of life like nothing else I know!
I remember sitting with my newborn son- less than 48 hours after his birth and realizing that one day he was going to die. And that more than likely, I wouldn’t be there to comfort him. In that same teary-hormonal-postpartum state I also realized that one day someone would break his heart. And in that moment, I felt an irrational hatred for a person I didn’t even know.
I also understood so much more about my mother in that moment. Namely, that for as long as I lived, no matter how old I was, how competent, capable, successful, whatever… I would always be her baby, and she would always care about me and worry about me and love me as fiercely as I cared about and loved my tiny baby boy.
Posted by: Liz | May 18, 2011 at 1:20 pm |
Thanks so much for the kind words you guys!
Liz, I had that exact same moment with Zane right after he was born. Powerful. So much love…
Posted by: Eileen | May 18, 2011 at 4:57 pm |
A very sweet moment in time. Terah
Posted by: CowgirlRed | May 21, 2011 at 5:33 pm |
I am an expectant mother, due in about 5 weeks! I’m so excited but a little apprehensive. I don’t know what sex the baby is yet, I’m looking forward to the surprise.
I hope the incredible feelings that you have expressed here are true in my case too!
Posted by: Healthy Baby | Jun 25, 2011 at 6:01 pm |