Emptying Out

February 23rd, 2007

So, despite feeling quite low yesterday, I went about my business, getting things done and doing my best to be upbeat and productive. I wasn't forcing, but gently pushing. I went out to get a mat for a piece of art that needs to be framed and picked up a canvas for a commissioned piece. And while I was out, I was struck suddenly by this profound nausea. I had to get in my car and go home. I thought maybe I was just really hungry, which sometimes will bring on nausea and a headache, so on the way home, I stopped and got some fixings for a salad, some fruit and cereal, milk and yogurt, and a beautiful spray of fushia roses that caught my eye. I've really trying to let the beauty back in, noticing all that's beautiful around me, I've been trying. I got home and the fiansor was home shortly after me, he'd had a tough day at work and he was also worried about me and the funk I've sunk into lately. We put dinner together and sat to eat, I was still feeling a little ill, but I ate and we talked about when this funk first came on, what internal stuff could be going on that may have triggered it and what might help. I was able to get some good stuff out, sometimes what's going on takes a long time to surface and I don't like to complain. As much as I may complain here, I don't do it much out in the world. I don't want anyone to worry and sometimes, it's just too hard to lift the fog enough to sit and try and disect something until I'm ready. Anyways, the fiansor was a great help last night, but at a certain point I told him I couldn't talk anymore because I felt really sick. I was curled up into the fetal position, my entire body achey and ready to barf. I kept hoping it would pass, but eventually, I had to get up and barf my brains out. I hate throwing up. Yucko! Chunky salad barf is not pleasant, then there was the diarrhea, and the shakes, and oy, it was a long night. This morning I felt sore all over and my stomach was still all knotted up, but the nausea was better and I felt brighter despite all that. The sun came out and the fiansor and I had a nice morning full of snuggling, laughing and playing with kitties. I felt so much better that I was all ready to get out in the world. I went out to pick up the mat I ordered to be cut and stopped to get a soda and my stomach got really upset all of the sudden and I had to go home real quick. So, ok, I decided that I needed to rest. You'd think this would be obvious, but I was just so excited to feel brighter that I jumped a little too quickly. I'm trying to take it easy this afternoon although there is much to do. The fiansor suggested (and I'd thought to myself) that perhaps the sudden illness was my body's way of releasing the depression I'd sunk into. Perhaps.

At any rate, I took some pics finally of the art I did earlier in the week, a simple piece with caran d'ache crayons on watercolor paper, playing with birds and color, two orange crows.

And here's my morning pages journal. I've used a lot of different types of journals, but lately I've been loving the Mead sketchbook diaries which have a nice pocket inside for collecting scraps of things I want to save. I usually do something to the cover of each book to differentiate them and make them special, usually, I do a free-form collage, pulling random images that I'm drawn to and then quickly collaging them down on the cover. I need to put the journal under some heavy books as the cover is curling up a little bit. After I collage it down, I'll look back at what I've done and see what catches my eye. I like the circles that are in the shell and the sun and all the blues are certainly appropriate for this Finding Water journey. The little ad on the left bottom was a coupon I found out on my artist's date a couple days ago. I grabbed a few of them from a little whole in the wall convenience store, the bit about "ride the elephants" in capitol letters is what caught my eye, the rest is totally bizarre such as the "Unicow" which is shown in the picture, a cow with a horn. Oy. I mentioned to Caroline that elephants have continued popping up everywhere. Yesterday I stopped into a gallery on a total whim to look at their show of nature photographs and what did I see? A photo of four great elephants. So, I thought it was appropriate to include a little bit about elephants on the cover of this journal.

Here's some of my FW exercises:

10 things I could try: quilting, silk screening clothing, skydiving, yoga (again), walking every day, clearing out the studio space that I have now and making the best of it, contacting JT again, making a stew, putting the website together myself, making the invites.

5 home grounding actions: Throw out the dead flowers (done and replaced with fresh ones), put away clean laundry (done), sort mail, put away clean dishes, throw out old food (done.)

All in all, it's been a roller coaster of a week. Perhaps all this turbulence is happening for a positive reason. I'm hopeful (and optimistic) that it's all growing pains and shifting and beautiful, colorful change afoot.

8 Responses

I am sorry you’re having such a rough go of it, Leah. It’s amazing that you’re still creating and journeying during this time. Both the birds and the journal are beautiful. I`m so glad that you shared them here.

I wonder if there`s a lot that you`re letting go of. It must be such a shift to have finished school and be journeying into a whole new part of your life. You`ll find your way.

It sounds kind of like the stomache flu. Or perhaps you’re pregnant? Whatever it is, it sucks huh? One thing that always helps me when I’m nauseated is ginger tea or ginger soda, you might give it a try. Hope you feel better soon Leah.

I’m sorry to hear it’s been such a difficult week, but glad that the fog is beginning to lift and the sun beginning to shine again. Hope you get some wonderful rest this weekend and that the sun continues to shine brighter each day. (And hope the tummy recovers quickly:)

Rest. Please rest!
Sending you some healing energy!

My goodness, Leah, what a week it’s been. I agree with the pair of you about the sickness being a physical release for some of the internal stuff you’re trying to deal with. Better that way than to suffer the temporary insanity, sometimes, I think, but I hate throwing up, too, and you have my utmost sympathy. Ugh :( I do hope it’s gone now. You’ve done so well with your Art, and I love the cover of your morning pages journal. Elephants and Caroline…bless them both xXx The shell picture is so beautiful – there is something about the inside of a shell like that that gives me goosebumps. The spiral effect is one that strikes something deep inside me – a primal image, as old as time… I love it! :)
Here’s to a most positive week next week, and a wonderful weekend. I’ll be thinking of you while I picnic! ;) Hugs, Suze xXx

Meade sketchbooks have been my favorite too the last couple of years, for that same reason – in fact I’ve blogged about them a couple of times I love them so much. I got scared for a little while that they had stopped carrying them at the discount stores, but they’re back again – whew!

LOVE the crows!

Thank you for sharing from your FW assignments. I like finding out how it’s going for those I know. Even though we don’t really know one another. You know what I mean. I hope you feel better, much better by now. K

Barfing is awful. Hope it was a 24 hr bug and banished now.
Enjoyed your colorful artwork! Hearing and seeing birds brings a smile to my face. I love Caran D’arche products and use them often in my mixed media work or alone. I also use sketchbooks for morning pages and have done so for years (Right now, I’m using different brands I already had in my studio.) Those mead ones sound wonderful since I also love collage work. Your sun/shell collage is cool. I enjoyed reading your thoughts behind your artwork plus your plans.

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